Friday, February 23, 2007

Written a while ago, but relevant

Don’t know what I am writing about right now, just sitting around in the silence that is my new life, and felt like writing. It is funny how silence and being alone will prompt the mind into moving, which is why its good to be alone sometimes without any distractions.

I am at a crossroads in my life in more ways than one and I have decided the path that seems best for me at this point. First, my lease on the non-commital life is about to run out. Grad school is back in my life and I have one semester left until real life begins. I have been postponing living for the last 23 years, probably the last four I have done so consciously. I define real life as joining the rest of the world in the misery that turns out to be their lives. The sad part is, the life that I speak of is not even that miserable. You get to have kids, have a lovely wife, have a great job, buy fancy things, and meet some cool people. I actually would be quite happy with that path, but the truth is, I do not think that I was put on this planet for that purpose. I have ideas that I feel I must share, and things that I think I must do. But I have been afraid of being a failure and have shunned away from making any big moves into the unknown. I know (or at least have complete confidence) that I could get a job and make lots of money, and that I could find a wife and settle down, but I am completely unsure of what my life would be like if I tried to do something completely original. The worst part is that I do not even know what that thing would be. I want to write, I want to sing, I want to influence the world, but I have no idea how to go about doing those things. Correction, I have only one idea of how to do that thing. I simply have to do it. But when there is only one way to start doing something, there is a very real chance of failing horribly. I keep picturing myself homeless and abandoned if I were to give up on the ‘traditional’ life that is so safe.

If I had a son and he told me that he wanted to be a ball player or a singing star, I would tell him that his chances of success were incredibly slim. I would not necessarily tell him to give up on his dreams, but I would tell him to make plans to deal with reality if his dreams fail. So I should give the same advice to myself. I even have thought that I have been living my advice, but truly I have been so busy creating a cushion for my failed dream that I never went to sleep. It is time for me to change all that. There is nothing left for me to do except shoot for the stars. I have an excellent job lined up, and I have school on lock down, all I have now is a whole bunch of time to do whatever I want. But I must not let fear keep me from doing what needs to be done. I have always loved the fact that I am a procrastinator, so its crunch time for me. I need to put something in motion quickly or else it will be working time and I will be in the hustle for the rest of my life. Love ya ma. I have been given a gift and I must share it with the world. GOD give me the strength and the determination to conquer my fear. I will start writing today and will only stop when I have given up on this part of my life. I have never claimed to be much of an author, but I hope that truth will be heard whether the format is correct or not. With that said, here goes…

Monday, February 12, 2007

Part Two

Who am I now? That is the question. Seeing where I have come from does not exactly give someone the answer to where I am. I guess its one of those the sum is greater than the whole type scenarios. So lets get to the heart of the matter. I am someone that wants to be liked, loved not necessarily, adored definitely, but mostly just liked. I was actually inspired by that thought today, and wondered if it were indeed true. Before we go into it, I guess I have to give a little background on how I see the world.

For a long time, I have seen the world as if I were a tourist passing through a zoo. Every person as an exhibit, and the events of my life as attractions along the way. To dissect this analogy even further, I am implying that I see myself at a distance from the rest of the world. This could be from a number of reasons: maybe I thought the world was too cruel and full of pain to interact too closely with (I typed that one as jest, but it hits really close to home); maybe I believe myself better than everyone else; perhaps I think this life is similar to a dream. Perhaps it is a little bit of all of them, or none. Irregardless, that is how I travel through life. Some say that their life is a play and there are characters, but this is a different analogy, because in a play you are equals with your fellow actors, and there are no ‘boundaries’ between you. It also might imply that you are being false throughout your life. Why bring up this other analogy, to point out that I have always (recent memory) felt a boundary between me and others, and that I felt different (or perhaps superior) to all those around me. Side note: I tend to put in parentheses when I write because I can be indecisive when I say something and choose to say all possible meanings, and sometimes I mean both.

I believe that we are all selfish in life, and yes I mean all, even Mother Theresa (God rest her soul). I say selfish in the sense that we all do what feels right to us. Now some people feel right saving lives, and others feel right taking lives, and most people feel right by doing what is thought of as ‘living a good life.’ Each effects society in different ways, and each might have different consequences in the afterlife, assuming there is one. The point, most people probably have a self centered view on life. If this is about me, why do I keep talking about others. Because this is a confessional more than a blog, and I seek forgiveness in the form of understanding from the world around me. It is almost like the guilt you feel when walking through a zoo. You want the luxury of seeing the animals, but you realize that it is not their place to be in the zoo, my zoo. So you want to free them. You do this by breaking down the bars and letting them choose to stay in their cages or not. Its funny that perhaps 2% of people that would ever read this would follow along, but in that sense it is about me talking for release not for being heard. If you catch a contradictions in my accounts of me, get over it, because I change from second to second and myself ten years ago believed different things than myself ten hours ago, which thinks different than myself right now. Grammar, screw that too. I write how I talk.

Back to describing myself. I am a thinker, and not much of a doer. I think those are inverses of each other, the more you think the less you do, but I am not happy with my mix. I am probably ADD in the sense that I jump from one thought from the next fairly quickly and arbitrarily. I do not believe in the norm and have been described as oppositional defiant and needing to be different. I tend to not disagree with peoples assessments of me, and just take them into consideration, but personally I don’t think I need to be different, I just am. I don’t like most people, but as I get older, I realize that I love most people. Some of you might wonder if I am one of those that I don’t like or if you are in a cage at my zoo. The answer is probably yes. But don’t take it personal, I value you for something or else I would not talk to you. Everyone is an animal in my zoo, so far (if I should ever find a soulmate, we can walk together), but some animals I love so much that they walk with me and freely about the zoo. These are people that are as close to me as I have been able to find. Enough dissing people, I love you all, and would probably do more than you would expect to ensure the happiness of each of you. Just keep in mind that we are talking about my definition of happiness and not yours.

Sidetracked, I am funny, silly, and different people see different sides of me. Some multiple sides, and I don’t even know if I have seen all the sides I have to offer. I don’t care much for things, or events, or prestige, or accomplishment, but I do care about ideas. If something makes me think then it is valuable to me. Outside of that, I care about good company, good food, and good sleep. If those things are fulfilled in my life, I can die a happy man.

I believe I am ready for marriage, but my slew of defunct relationships might hint otherwise. I might have a commitment issue, but I believe I just have not found the right one for me yet. When I do, she will probably break my heart like I have done to too many others throughout my life. I want kids, with or without a wife, but I very much prefer a wife. If I were to die today, I think I would be content with my life, the only thing I would regret is not having had kids yet. Fear of death is something that will come with old age, but right now, I actually feel okay with it.

I am a very good liar and manipulator, and it used to take a lot of effort to curb those habits, but I am still a deceiver. I do feel that I deceive people in the way that we all do, i.e. I don’t tell my super-religious friends about my alternative views on God, or I don’t tell my mother that stories that involve sex and alcohol, things like that. It only backfires when the person trusts me completely and believes that I hide nothing of myself from them. I do believe that I can fully disclose myself to another person, but it is not something that is done often or easily. Mostly I don’t fully disclose myself because it would leave me friendless. I don’t see the benefit of ‘speaking my mind’ on things that I do not feel are best for the friendship, but then you might miss the times when they actually do need to hear what I am thinking. Since I am too much of a coward sometimes to tell the complete truth I want to give away signs that could alert you to some form of disclosure. If you see me fake smiling, which is hard to differentiate from my real smile, I am probably thinking something something that I would not want to share. If you see me look down or away from you when you are telling me something ‘important’ its because I have an opinion on the matter that I think might hurt your feelings. Those are pretty much too of the major habits I have. Some would say, just be 100% honest, but I have explained that I am selfish, and that I like having friends. Also, some people don’t want to know everything. They see the benefit in some disclosure as well, so for there sakes, I do not just spit everything out. But if you see these signs or think you see these signs, call me out, and I will confess. Or at least I will think about it. Better than nothing I think.

This blog is a good start for my entrance into the spotlight. It will expose all my flaws and inner thoughts and force others to accept me or reject me. At least that’s what it would do if I had my way. In reality, it will probably be read by Jon and my sister, and that’s about it. They know these things about me already and probably wont have any objections, and the rest of you will think I type ENTIRELY too much for consistent reading and will ignore me. But I think this blog thing will be good therapy for me. Today is the last day about me unless there are any questions, or I need to release some thoughts. From here on out, I will write about my ideas. Do not be surprised if my ideas come out in the form of a conversation, for I believe dialogue and debate is the best way to get to the heart of an issue (even if they exist in the mind of one person). Last thing about me… I’m crazy…seriously. J