Me Myself and I
Contrary to popular belief, I am an introvert. I just happen to have extrovert tendencies. But as some of my more acute friends have noticed, I am awkward around people. Now I have managed to create many schemes for hiding this fact, i.e. humor, controlling the conversation, having a poker face, and lastly humor. But it is still true that interacting people is often a little unnerving.
This is true a little bit for everyone. From strangers, to family, to my best friends, I am always a little awkward. I am so comfortable with ME that anytime I interact with others, I become a little off balance. What prompted this says the reader? Well it has been a foregone conclusion in my mind for some time, but I am reminded of this fact a lot nowadays since I am meeting so many new people.
I will meet someone, and find myself feeling trapped in the situation, particularly if I do not like the person. I will be chatting, but inside, I will be saying, “When is this conversation going to be over!” But I smile and stay silent until the person finishes, and then I find some reason to move on. This happens similarly with people I actually like talking to, or worse yet, people I feel obligated to talk to.
The trigger is usually when the person says or does something that I disagree with or get annoyed by. The problem is that I get annoyed or pestered by a lot of popular traits in people. I hold the bar extremely high for humanity, and I always surprised when someone meets the bar. All or at least most of you that are reading this have cleared the hurdle sufficiently (not that it matters to you), but it is something that rarely happens.
I told my friend Bevin why it is I forget peoples names so easily. It is because 99% (an understatement) of the people I meet almost instantly fall into the category of Humanity in my mind. They deserve no name, no precious storage space, and will be associated with the general population in my mind. They will forever be referred to in sentences like “I met this guy once…” or “I once knew someone who…”. Their information will be remembered more than them. It is only once a person sets of a spark of differentiation in my mind that the person truly comes to exist as an individual. I would feel bad about feeling this way about people, but I have been on a campaign to accept myself as who I am.
Side not about that: Ask yourself if you like yourself. Then ask yourself if you believe in your ability to grow. And if you say yes to those two questions, throw shame and beating up on yourself out the window. You can work to improve things in your life, but don’t apologize for who you are now. My rejection of shame came from reading a passage somewhere that went like so “The child tripped on her shoelace, and started laughing wildly. She was too young to know shame or embarrassment for her actions, the world had not taught her that yet.” I don’t remember where I read that from, and I know it’s a paraphrase, but it was an important fact. Back to the point.
So I ignore most people in life, and remember only those that seem unique and valuable. I even know what I value now, it’s the traits that I wish to see in myself: honesty, loyalty, fun, positive, funny, good listener, sincere, innocent, etc. If a person gives off one other traits from the rejection list: fakeness, deceit, manipulation, dishonesty; they are thrown into that abyss of the forgotten. I know I have traits from both categories, but the point is that you should surround yourself with those that you want to emulate.
So me not feeling comfortable with people mostly comes from the fact that almost all of the people I meet are people I would soon like to forget. I really do wish that my interactions were prescreened so that I mostly dealt with people that were my type of people. I am an emulator. It really does feel natural for me to mimic or play to a persons personality. If I am with a quiet person, I will not talk. If I am talking to a person who likes sports, we talk sports. If I am with a conservative, I show interest in conservative ideas. This is what I do, I take what the person has to offer, and I try it on for size to see what value can be taken from it. I take, take, take all that I can from people, and hope that people are also taking from me. In Qatar, all I did was meet people and listen, because they had a wealth of knowledge that I could only get from listening. It surprised me that I could do so much listening without talking, but I was soaking up and learning all that I could. This happened with people I liked and people I did not. Those that I like I will listen and invite them out for tea next time. The people I did not like, I will listen and find a quick reason to leave once I have heard what they had to say.
I am digressing from the point. I went on a date tonight, and had that awkward kiss goodnight, and it made me realize how draining it is for me interact with people sometimes. It is taxing to try and figure out what another person is thinking, much more so than knowing what’s going on in your own head. I thank the special ladies of my life, because we clicked at a level that did not make we wonder what was going on in your head, it was understood. That’s a thanks to family, girlfriends, friends, etc., because I am constantly amazed how hard it is to understand the vast majority of women. I don’t think I have the patience for it. And all the fellas, you don’t really get that much of a thanks, because we are pretty simple. It’s not to hard to think what’s on our minds: sex, food, entertainment, repeat.
People in general distress me unless it is one of those special persons who just fit. I build walls that protect me from these interactions (forgetfulness, being a character, etc) because it is so rare that I find true matches. I would try and change all this except it really has been working for me. Those that fit, get through my defenses, and those that don’t…well I don’t really care what happens to them.
I am introvert canned be summed up better as I am an egoist. To my credit though, I love all people, I just don’t have to like them.
This is true a little bit for everyone. From strangers, to family, to my best friends, I am always a little awkward. I am so comfortable with ME that anytime I interact with others, I become a little off balance. What prompted this says the reader? Well it has been a foregone conclusion in my mind for some time, but I am reminded of this fact a lot nowadays since I am meeting so many new people.
I will meet someone, and find myself feeling trapped in the situation, particularly if I do not like the person. I will be chatting, but inside, I will be saying, “When is this conversation going to be over!” But I smile and stay silent until the person finishes, and then I find some reason to move on. This happens similarly with people I actually like talking to, or worse yet, people I feel obligated to talk to.
The trigger is usually when the person says or does something that I disagree with or get annoyed by. The problem is that I get annoyed or pestered by a lot of popular traits in people. I hold the bar extremely high for humanity, and I always surprised when someone meets the bar. All or at least most of you that are reading this have cleared the hurdle sufficiently (not that it matters to you), but it is something that rarely happens.
I told my friend Bevin why it is I forget peoples names so easily. It is because 99% (an understatement) of the people I meet almost instantly fall into the category of Humanity in my mind. They deserve no name, no precious storage space, and will be associated with the general population in my mind. They will forever be referred to in sentences like “I met this guy once…” or “I once knew someone who…”. Their information will be remembered more than them. It is only once a person sets of a spark of differentiation in my mind that the person truly comes to exist as an individual. I would feel bad about feeling this way about people, but I have been on a campaign to accept myself as who I am.
Side not about that: Ask yourself if you like yourself. Then ask yourself if you believe in your ability to grow. And if you say yes to those two questions, throw shame and beating up on yourself out the window. You can work to improve things in your life, but don’t apologize for who you are now. My rejection of shame came from reading a passage somewhere that went like so “The child tripped on her shoelace, and started laughing wildly. She was too young to know shame or embarrassment for her actions, the world had not taught her that yet.” I don’t remember where I read that from, and I know it’s a paraphrase, but it was an important fact. Back to the point.
So I ignore most people in life, and remember only those that seem unique and valuable. I even know what I value now, it’s the traits that I wish to see in myself: honesty, loyalty, fun, positive, funny, good listener, sincere, innocent, etc. If a person gives off one other traits from the rejection list: fakeness, deceit, manipulation, dishonesty; they are thrown into that abyss of the forgotten. I know I have traits from both categories, but the point is that you should surround yourself with those that you want to emulate.
So me not feeling comfortable with people mostly comes from the fact that almost all of the people I meet are people I would soon like to forget. I really do wish that my interactions were prescreened so that I mostly dealt with people that were my type of people. I am an emulator. It really does feel natural for me to mimic or play to a persons personality. If I am with a quiet person, I will not talk. If I am talking to a person who likes sports, we talk sports. If I am with a conservative, I show interest in conservative ideas. This is what I do, I take what the person has to offer, and I try it on for size to see what value can be taken from it. I take, take, take all that I can from people, and hope that people are also taking from me. In Qatar, all I did was meet people and listen, because they had a wealth of knowledge that I could only get from listening. It surprised me that I could do so much listening without talking, but I was soaking up and learning all that I could. This happened with people I liked and people I did not. Those that I like I will listen and invite them out for tea next time. The people I did not like, I will listen and find a quick reason to leave once I have heard what they had to say.
I am digressing from the point. I went on a date tonight, and had that awkward kiss goodnight, and it made me realize how draining it is for me interact with people sometimes. It is taxing to try and figure out what another person is thinking, much more so than knowing what’s going on in your own head. I thank the special ladies of my life, because we clicked at a level that did not make we wonder what was going on in your head, it was understood. That’s a thanks to family, girlfriends, friends, etc., because I am constantly amazed how hard it is to understand the vast majority of women. I don’t think I have the patience for it. And all the fellas, you don’t really get that much of a thanks, because we are pretty simple. It’s not to hard to think what’s on our minds: sex, food, entertainment, repeat.
People in general distress me unless it is one of those special persons who just fit. I build walls that protect me from these interactions (forgetfulness, being a character, etc) because it is so rare that I find true matches. I would try and change all this except it really has been working for me. Those that fit, get through my defenses, and those that don’t…well I don’t really care what happens to them.
I am introvert canned be summed up better as I am an egoist. To my credit though, I love all people, I just don’t have to like them.
posted by Anthony Jackson at 12:37 AM
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