Attention Deficit Disorder
My parents are in town this week, and it is the first time they are meeting Inna. To my surprise, they seemed to get along well enough fairly effortlessly. They weren’t best friends or anything, but they were cordial and conversational and generally seemed to appreciate the company. So in my book that’s a success.
Well yesterday Inna calls me and asks if she would be up for her cooking a meal for the parentals. I tell her that’s an awesome idea and we work out a way for it to be a surprise for them. So I keep them out late, get them good and hungry (to the point of complaining) and then take them home for them to realize that dinner is already cooked and ready, all courtesy of awesome Inna. Dinner is a success and everyone is happy.
After dinner, Inna planned to head home, but we ended up starting to watch a movie instead, The Constant Gardener. I have been trying to get Inna to stay with (like usual) since the night before, but she has felt uncomfortable because of my parents also being there. Understandable, but it was also my parent’s idea that she can stay. Regardless of actually being welcome, she felt unwelcome so she intended to leave at some point.
The Constant Gardener is a good movie, and like a good movie (especially a thriller) it draws you in and holds your attention. So I was hooked. Inna actually spent most of the beginning of the movie on the phone with her mother in the back room, so when she got off the phone, she came back and told me that she would have to be leaving soon. i.e. Walk me to the door and show me out… and yes I know you are really into the movie. She even did not rush me to leave right away, she let me wait till there was a less intense moment to walk her out.
It was honestly my initial intent to walk her to the door and to get back to the movie, but she made it clear that she wanted me to walk her to the CAR which was a much longer trip. But despite the movie moving at full swing, I wanted to do it. Plus I knew I would be yelled at if I did not. So I put on my shoes, tell my mom to remember everything that happens in the movie, and Inna and I head to the elevators. We are having little smooches and small talk all the way to the car, and all is well. Once at the car we hug and kiss, and the conversation we were having switches to another topic. But before she finishes the sentence, I tell her something like “can we please not start another conversation, I REALLY want to see the end of this movie.” I know she knows that I was really into the movie, so I thought that was a reasonable request.
Evidently it was not. She gets upset. Pushes me away. Tells me things like, you should not have even walked me down in the first place… yada yada yada, and I end up scrambling trying to figure out what went wrong. We end up talking for another five minutes (a lot longer than we probably would have if I had not said anything) about why she was upset and me trying to make her feel better. She tells me that she should be more important than a movie and that I should want to spend time with her especially since we are not getting to stay the night. I tell her I want you to spend the night and that I think that coming down here in the first place was showing you that you were more important than the movie.
I assume you all can see both sides of this story. Like most conflicts, I feel each side has a point, but that often one point is a little more reasonable than the other. It’s rare, but I do feel that my side is sometimes unreasonable. This is not one of them. Why was the walk down not enough? Is it unreasonable to want to get back to the movie? If not, how does one go about asking that in a different way?
I am actually opening myself up to the idea that relationships can be work, and these questions are proof. Before my philosophy was more like… if she can’t understand me then we should not be together. That might be a valid stance, but I am willing to give this other side a chance and that involves questioning myself and learning and changing and growing. I know no one is a relationship expert, but give me your two cents…
Well yesterday Inna calls me and asks if she would be up for her cooking a meal for the parentals. I tell her that’s an awesome idea and we work out a way for it to be a surprise for them. So I keep them out late, get them good and hungry (to the point of complaining) and then take them home for them to realize that dinner is already cooked and ready, all courtesy of awesome Inna. Dinner is a success and everyone is happy.
After dinner, Inna planned to head home, but we ended up starting to watch a movie instead, The Constant Gardener. I have been trying to get Inna to stay with (like usual) since the night before, but she has felt uncomfortable because of my parents also being there. Understandable, but it was also my parent’s idea that she can stay. Regardless of actually being welcome, she felt unwelcome so she intended to leave at some point.
The Constant Gardener is a good movie, and like a good movie (especially a thriller) it draws you in and holds your attention. So I was hooked. Inna actually spent most of the beginning of the movie on the phone with her mother in the back room, so when she got off the phone, she came back and told me that she would have to be leaving soon. i.e. Walk me to the door and show me out… and yes I know you are really into the movie. She even did not rush me to leave right away, she let me wait till there was a less intense moment to walk her out.
It was honestly my initial intent to walk her to the door and to get back to the movie, but she made it clear that she wanted me to walk her to the CAR which was a much longer trip. But despite the movie moving at full swing, I wanted to do it. Plus I knew I would be yelled at if I did not. So I put on my shoes, tell my mom to remember everything that happens in the movie, and Inna and I head to the elevators. We are having little smooches and small talk all the way to the car, and all is well. Once at the car we hug and kiss, and the conversation we were having switches to another topic. But before she finishes the sentence, I tell her something like “can we please not start another conversation, I REALLY want to see the end of this movie.” I know she knows that I was really into the movie, so I thought that was a reasonable request.
Evidently it was not. She gets upset. Pushes me away. Tells me things like, you should not have even walked me down in the first place… yada yada yada, and I end up scrambling trying to figure out what went wrong. We end up talking for another five minutes (a lot longer than we probably would have if I had not said anything) about why she was upset and me trying to make her feel better. She tells me that she should be more important than a movie and that I should want to spend time with her especially since we are not getting to stay the night. I tell her I want you to spend the night and that I think that coming down here in the first place was showing you that you were more important than the movie.
I assume you all can see both sides of this story. Like most conflicts, I feel each side has a point, but that often one point is a little more reasonable than the other. It’s rare, but I do feel that my side is sometimes unreasonable. This is not one of them. Why was the walk down not enough? Is it unreasonable to want to get back to the movie? If not, how does one go about asking that in a different way?
I am actually opening myself up to the idea that relationships can be work, and these questions are proof. Before my philosophy was more like… if she can’t understand me then we should not be together. That might be a valid stance, but I am willing to give this other side a chance and that involves questioning myself and learning and changing and growing. I know no one is a relationship expert, but give me your two cents…
posted by Anthony Jackson at 1:00 AM
6 Comments:
My two cents: Relationships, before they turn all steady and strong, is all about stumbling and then learning from the experience. This is such a case: She learns that you will turn crabby if someone messes with your movie viewing (although, Constant Gardener? Hated that film), and you learn that she would rather have your complete attention and not something less, attention given in a patronizing manner. Ideally, after this, she will be more conscious of how she takes your time when you're in "the middle of something", and you will learn the awesome pause functionality on a remote control, literally and figuratively speaking. In other words, hopefully the two of you will become less self-centered (I use this term not in a mean way).
Oh Anthony... have a seat, you have so much to learn. Here's the deal - you and Inna don't watch movies the same way. That sucks. But, more importantly, while in your mind you were thinking, "I'm really into this movie and I don't want to miss what happens. That's important. Inna understands that." What was going on in Inna's mind was, "This has been a slightly awkward night, but not bad. I'm glad that Tony is finally taking me down to the car. This is a good time to try to gauge his overall reaction to how the whole night turned out and get reassurance that he still likes me after seeing me with is parents." Then you blew it by making it clear that you weren't right there with her, but actually back in the house with your mind on a movie that she wasn't even interested in (because of the fact that she had missed most of it on the phone with her mom.) You're not a bad boyfriend - you're just not thinking like a girl. You're right, cutting her off mid-sentence to let her know you wanted to get away from her was not a good move. Next time, when it's clear that she really wants you there, pause the movie.
Bugger it
I'm not going to sugar-coat my response, so, here goes. You have asshole tendencies so you probably don't take her feelings into consideration. You can be a better boyfriend and you know it, so do it! It's not that hard. You're a freakin genius when it comes to everything but relationships!!!! GET ON THE BALL TONY!!!!!.......and that is all
think outside the box on this one...away from the parking lot... rewind...this all started two weeks b4....in summary, she probably spent a whole week thinking about what and whether or not to cook for your parents when they come... finally decided to... told u, planned with u.... and then she spent the day cooking and making sure dinner goes well...
she's special. she didn't have to. that takes great effort, confidence, care, skills and a real desire to please and make u and your parents happy....
ps - ur blog is inspiring...
Hmmm. Well you know what I think. Boo women brains for choosing such a time to conjure up such a conflict of interests. I really think women choose times like this to gauge how much men care about them. They pick the most challenging of moments when they know what we'll be thinking to see if we make the most difficult decision in their favor. All that being said, you are a dumbass for not bitting the bullet and keeping your mouth shut about wanting to see the movie. Rationality is our basis of operation. How a man feels about me and how he expresses those feelings is a girlfriend's basis of operation. This will be difficult for you to come to grips with because reason comes much more naturally to you. Reason says Inna should appreciate that you've taken your time to pause the movie and walk her to your car. Reason says that she shouldn't get upset about you wanting to get back to the movie especially since you AND your parents think it's okay to stay over. Bottom line (her bottom line, the one that really matters because you're in a relationship with her) is she's not comfortable, you can make some sacrifices to accomadate her discomfort (i.e. walking her to her car, entertaining her thoughts, catering to her desires) especially since she made dinner for your parents and endured a fairly stressful situation.
I think only you would know how much that explanation hurts me, but it's reality I think. I really do think, given you've found the right woman, that the long term benefits outweigh the momentary discomforts. Pause the movie, smooch, chat, snog the girlfriend, finish the movie and look forward to her company the next day. Susana once told me that a big part of a woman feeling comfortable in a relationship is supporting her idea that there's something unique about her that you (the boyfriend) sincerely desires. It may seem illogical but I think women, especially women who think they may really want a man to be around for a long while, get right at the heart of the matter; is he willing to alter his routine/outlook to accommodate me? Ours is not an outlook that lends itself to romantic partnership. So the question is, is she worth it? Rest assured she's asking you that question in moments like the one you described.
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